GEORGE

Social AWKWARDNESS

 

GRIEF AND ISOLATION

I know most of us aren’t hermit and many of us find it impossible to come to terms of 'Why!' but the inclination to stay in and stay away is stronger than ever after the death of a child.   The feeling of isolating can take over us, while we try to adjust to life in the wake of this major change, it’s business as usual for those around us and it’s easy to feel cut off from family and friends, left out, alienated and misunderstood.  Not to mention, many people intentionally isolate due to feelings of anger, sadness, mistrust, helplessness, anxiety, and depression.  Grief and loneliness go hand in hand.

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THE UNCOMFORTABLENESS OF LOSS.

Since George's past away, I have many times, I have tried to explain the pain of losing a child to people who haven’t gone through this lost. After the initial awkwardness and socially acceptable response, I have come to the conclusion that there are no words that can describe the heart wrenching, sole destroying devastation that losing a child brings to a parent, only by experiencing it first-hand would allow someone to fully understand the depths to which this pain penetrate each and every moment of your existence. It’s more than grief, it changes everything about who you are and what you believe.

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SILENCE IN A CROWDED ROOM.

There have been times, I would walk into a crowded room where there would be friends talking, only to find an uncomfortable silence, close friends would leave a chatroom rather than to speak. How can you be in a room full of people but be so alone? The taboos and social stigma surrounding death especially a child is unbearable and to feel the avoidance of contact in case the wrong thing was spoken became distressing and would question the relationships of friendships.

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Losing George has filled us full of pain that engulfed our whole being, it overwhelms us with relentless despair and there were times I thought I would not survive, I know our long journey has barely started and they will be times I will question the very reason of life and why me, but for today I will grieve my baby boy and pray our soles will once more be together

As for us, we started trying to live our life again, rebuilding and trying to make our new normal, nothing would ever replace George and nothing could. Good night my baby boy, the pain of your passing stay with us.

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A YEAR ON...
A year has past and nothing has changed, people still look at us and run for the hills, the taboo that surround SIDS and other childhood loss is a cultural disease, where the uncomfortableness of silence is far more bearable than having to speak. Was I one of these people who ran before my child grow wings?

THE TERRIBLE TWOS.
Two years ago, I was looking forward to my life with baby George, things were looking rosy and all the family was up for the challenge, but fate destroyed our future. Not a day goes by without me asking myself if I could have done anything different and if I was asked to swop my life to of let George live, I would have done so in a heartbeat.

AS THE YEARS PASS US BY.
When George pass away, I found it unbearable, having to go through life wishing he was still in his loving family’s arms. They was many time I wish to be taken and just felt ready to give up, it was only due to my family who kept me from doing something silly.  

THE UNFAIR AS THE WORLD TURNS.
Sometime I look at the world and see other families and wonder why us? We are loving, caring and would got to hell and back for our children, ‘now I truly know the meaning of that expression’, while some children are just dragged up and left to fend for themselves, their more of an inconvenience, it’s just not fair. I may sound judgemental and a little bitter, but I try hard not too.

THE STIGMA AROUND SIDS.
Sometime I wonder what people really think? Do their just pity us and see us broken? Do they wonder why this has happened to us? Do they just think they will just walk on by and hope we don’t see them?  I gone through hell and my heart is scared, I question myself daily, I do see dark where they was light, I wonder about all our broken happy ever afters, our lost tomorrows and future. Our plans and hopes are all shattered and ended in disaster.