GEORGE

Baby LOSS

 

​When people talk about child loss, you would assume that the baby has been born alive and, for some dreadful reason, has passed away, but things are not as clean-cut as that. There are many reasons why babies pass away before birth; that doesn’t detract from the fact that they were someone’s loved ones, and that doesn’t alter how a parent feels about they passing.

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MISCARRIAGE

​Losing your baby at any stage of pregnancy can be extremely difficult. It is a sad fact that it is estimated that between 10- 20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. However, the real figure is probably greater. This is due to the fact that many miscarriages occur early on, before a woman is aware that they are pregnant.  Although miscarriages are not uncommon, that doesn't make them any less painful.

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Even the name 'miscarriage' implies that the pregnancy hasn’t gone to full term and may not been carried through properly, this is seldom the case. The term in fact means, ‘it is the abrupt end of a pregnancy before the twentieth week’, and they are so many reasons why.

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The emotional toll of a miscarriage may sometimes be felt immediately and other times it may take weeks. Many parents experience protracted grieving. It's common to experience fatigue, appetite loss, and difficulty falling asleep. In addition to these feelings, you may also feel ashamed, shocked, hopeless, and angry; possibly at your partner or at friends or relatives who have successfully raised children into adulthood.

I have found this statement on the net it was written by a parent, who has experienced it first hand:

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The trouble with miscarriage is that most people don’t understand what it is you’ve actually lost. I’ve lost my babies. I’ve lost the ability to be excited about pregnancy. I’ve lost trust in my body, in hospitals and in statistics. Most of all I’ve lost faith, in myself and in the future.

IMPACT ON MEN

Fathers who lose a child understand that they will no longer have a young child to raise, play or watch football with, or spend time being as dad. Fathers frequently have as genuine and significant of dreams about having children as mothers do.

After the loss, their constant desire to make things right or to blame themselves for allowing the world to turn and to keep strong, showing little or no feeling, is one of the biggest grievances against them, in times of stress, dads tend to think like this. However, miscarriages cannot be reversed. Only time will allow the wound caused by the loss of embryonic life to heal. In light of this, a father would have helplessness and hopelessness in managing both his own feelings and his partner's desperation.

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The most recent miscarriage, it’s probably hit me the most out of everything because we thought everything was going good and it didn’t, and I couldn’t be there for her.

 

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TERMINATION FOR MEDICAL REASON (TFMR)

When a baby is so poorly that their chance to

You may be offered a termination for medical reasons (TFMR) if tests show that your baby is not developing as expected. This may be due to a serious genetic or structural condition. You may also be offered a TFMR if you have pregnancy complications that risk your life or to your baby’s life.   Having a termination for medical reasons is a highly personal decision and only you can decide what is best for you. There is no right or wrong.  

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Many women and pregnant people tell us they dislike the use of the word termination to describe their experience because it makes them think of ending an unwanted pregnancy. They also feel it makes it sound like that they had more choice than they really had. Try to remember that it is a medical term. Some people prefer to call it ‘baby loss for medical reasons’ instead. 

The feelings you have if you need to end a pregnancy for medical reasons are no less painful or valid than any other type of baby loss. Being told that you or your unborn baby are at risk is a painful and traumatic experience. Parents tell us that the guilt linked to making the decision can make it even harder. 

You should be given clear, non-judgemental and supportive information from your healthcare professionals to help you decide what’s best for you and your partner, if you have one. 

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We made the heartbreaking decision to have a termination for medical reasons after finding out our baby boy had severe myelomeningocele spina bifida at our 20 week scan. Although there were many unknowns and no crystal ball to see into the future, after talking with multiple medical professionals, further scans and conducting our own research online, everything pointed to the reality that his life would be severely impacted forever, even with neonatal and lifelong medical intervention. Never did we imagine ourselves in this position and it's a decision no parent should have to make. But we took on a lifetime of pain so he didn't have to. Our decision came from pure love, love that we will carry with us forever. We think and talk about our baby boy everyday and hope one day to give him healthy siblings. We are forever grateful for the time we got to spend with our baby boy when he was born and to the maternity and medical team who cared for us.​