Two Years On

Two years ago, I was looking forward to my life with baby George, things were looking rosy and all the family was up for the challenge, but fate destroyed our future. Not a day goes by without me asking myself if I could have done anything different and if I was asked to swop my life to of let George live, I would have done so in a heartbeat.

Many times, I have tried to explain the pain of losing a child to people who haven’t gone through this lost. After the initial awkwardness and socially acceptable response, I have come to the conclusion that there are no words that can describe the heart wrenching, sole destroying devastation that losing a child brings to a parent, only by experiencing it first-hand would allow someone to fully understand the depths to which this pain penetrate each and every moment of your existence. It’s more than grief, it changes everything about who you are and what you believe.

There have been times, I would walk into a crowded room where there would be friends talking, only to find an uncomfortable silence, close friends would leave a chatroom rather than to speak. How can you be in a room full of people but be so alone? The taboos and social stigma surrounding death especially a child is unbearable and to feel the avoidance of contact in case the wrong thing was spoken became distressing and would question the relationships of friendships.

Losing George has filled us full of pain that engulfed our whole being, it overwhelms us with relentless despair and there were times I thought I would not survive, I know our long journey has barely started and they will be times I will question the very reason of life and why me, but for today I will grieve my baby boy and pray our soles will once more be together.